Tired

I’m tired of myself. Tired of my sin and tired of how it seems like walking out the front door changes who I am. The person who beileve’s in God and who struggles to do right is shoved aside when I leave my own house. I don’t understand. It’s like my room where I do my most deep prayers, feels like another world. Like a place outside of time where it’s just me and God. Like my whole neighborhood is a bubble. Where I hear and feel God truly.  Usually at home I have a problem with over thinking. I go to school and it’s like I’m not thinking enough. I don’t get myself. How can I be so passionate about something but act like it doesn’t exist around others? Then I do things that make me feel bad inside. Like I have a bag of rocks on my shoulders. And sometimes it’s too much. To be honest I’ve thought of what it would be like to end my life. I don’t think I would, but it’s crossed my mind. Writing it out it doesn’t seem like much. But inside, what I feel and struggle with can’t be put into words.

5 thoughts on “Tired

  1. As a practicing believer, we are faced with difficult struggles especially in the beginning when you’re young. The father of lies does not want to let you go and fights hard to hold you back and/or keep you from being able to stand strong. And this fallen world aids and abets him in this task. Writing these things out is a good practice and confessing your lack of faith and resolve at school is also good. Following Jesus is never easy but it’s always worth it. It also might help to find others in your school that you believe as you do and surround yourself with them so that together you all can find the strength you need to stand strong. As for taking your life, remember that Christ died a horrible death so that you could have life. There’s a book named, JESUS CALLING, by Sarah Young. If you can find a copy of it and faithfully read it every day, and I think you will find the introduction inspiring as well. My granddaughter is a sophomore in college and she has a blog where she talks about her faith and the mission field which has been involved in. If you think you’d be interested in reading her posts, I’d be glad you send you the name of her blog. She doesn’t post a whole lot, but when she does, her words are powerful. Blessings, Natalie 🙂

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