What’s the point?

I haven’t been on here in awhile. I was trying to take a break from my phone. To grow close to god. Not sure if it worked. I have those days when I don’t want to read my bible. Or even pray. I feel like what’s the point. I have anger issues and for awhile this anger and tension builds up until it explodes. Then I’m sorry, ¬†then it builds up again. Then I’m yelling and cussing and flipping out. So what’s the point. If I’m just gonna get angry again anyway and if I’m just gonna repeat the sin. Why say sorry? It’s not like i want to be angry. The sickening thing is I like my sad depressed dark days. I like the pity I feel I deserve when I’m going through rough times. I hate when I rage and loose my temper and nobody comes to check on me. Highschool is barely starting and I was literally in tears over my math. I have all this weight on my shoulders. All this responsibility. Yet if I take a break for long I feel like I’m not helping out enough or I’m jealous people don’t ask me to do things. But when they do, after awhile I’m back angry and tired. I don’t understand. What do I want? I feel like I can’t be honest with god. And when I am, I feel I have to say sorry after saying some harsh true stuff. But it’s true. Why hide it. Why bury it deep inside until it exsplodes. I have hope though. Hope that this world isn’t the only one. That one day things will get better. It’s just, in the middle of things, none of that is much comfort. What about right now? Why can’t things get better now? I hate it. I hate my anger and I hate being so tired. I want to go to sleep, but I still have work todo. I haven’t given God much time today. I don’t feel like reading my bible. Or praying. Praying is hard and stressful and its just me repeating forgive me over everything untill its just a way to ease my mind and im not really sorry at all.What’s the point? But in the end I’m gonna try to keep going. Things have to get better eventually. To be honest things aren’t all bad. I just need to be more honest to myself and God and others. Most of my problems are ones I create myself. I really need to trust in God more.

Tired

I’m tired of myself. Tired of my sin and tired of how it seems like walking out the front door changes who I am. The person who beileve’s in God and who struggles to do right is shoved aside when I leave my own house. I don’t understand. It’s like my room where I do my most deep prayers, feels like another world. Like a place outside of time where it’s just me and God. Like my whole neighborhood is a bubble. Where I hear and feel God truly. ¬†Usually at home I have a problem with over thinking. I go to school and it’s like I’m not thinking enough. I don’t get myself. How can I be so passionate about something but act like it doesn’t exist around others? Then I do things that make me feel bad inside. Like I have a bag of rocks on my shoulders. And sometimes it’s too much. To be honest I’ve thought of what it would be like to end my life. I don’t think I would, but it’s crossed my mind. Writing it out it doesn’t seem like much. But inside, what I feel and struggle with can’t be put into words.

Wondering…

Today is like I took a break from being a christian. Im so confused about so many things. I want to make sure I base my life off of something true. I hope I can trust God. I don’t want to spend my whole life believing in jesus only to die and find out I was wrong. So I’m struggling. I find myself still clinging to the bible and it’s teaching. Trying to serve others and be kind and helpful, but I’m not talking to God. I’m praising him when something good happens, but I still have unconfessed sins from hours and hours ago I keep putting off repenting for. Thinking about praying makes me uncomfortable. So it has me wondering if I’m pushing things too far. Or taking advantage of his grace.

Welcome.

Hey kids. Listen, this website is for all those trying to find hope in a lost world. Or just looking for a place to escape daily life. I hope to make some friends. Or maybe just be a friend to you all. So look forward to some deep stuff hope fully. But also some fun. I live with three crazy brothers and three goofy dogs. So let’s see where this blog takes us. But I make no promises to how often I blog. Im bad at making time for things and some days I want to just sleep and eat hot cheetos!